Devotion

I have been thinking a lot about what to post and I was going to post on a book about helping your kids eat but I have decided instead to post about something that has been on my mind for awhile now. I thought this blog was more appropriate to post this on than my other blog because I believe that my role as a mother and wife are directly related to my devotion to my religion.

It is hard for me to understand all my thoughts about this topic. I was trying to talk to Mike about it and my thoughts all seemed jumbled. Let me see if I can be more clear in writing than I was in talking to him.

I have some friends in my ward that are wonderful people. They are nice and fun and generous. One friend in particular I have struggled with but I have a true desire to be her friend and I believe that it is possible. The other friend I really like a lot. She seems so down to earth and we think similarly on a lot of things. Lately though, I have noticed things that have made me somewhat unsettled and a little disappointed in my friend's and their husbands.

Both couples take their church attendance lightly. They don't like Sunday School so they either go home or hide in a room where no one will find them. One girl is nursing and she will nurse during sacrament. Having two children of my own, I know how normal this is. What isn't normal is that her husband will go with her and only go into Sacrament after she comes too. They skip Stake Conference, go to parades instead of church, and only do the minimum required in their callings. Sunday school is often a time for them to hold presidency meetings or prepare for the class they have to teach the next hour. I guess the thing that is discouraging for me is that these couples are in positions in our ward of leadership. They are in positions where they are looked up to. They all have children and are in positions where they are teaching other children.

Everyone has their own level of devotion and testimony. It isn't fair for me to judge someones devotion based off of mine. When Mike and I got married I felt like I had just been on a mission or something. I had this job that was so uplifting. I was engrossed in the scriptures and teaching from them. I was bringing people back to the Savior and it was a wonderful experience. When we got married though, I had to quit that job and I quickly felt my spiritual life slacken. I still read my scriptures and said my prayers but it was very different. I often forgot to read and was so involved with trying to figure out a spiritual intimacy with my new husband that I often let my own slide. I wonder if that makes sense. Anyway, when I realized what was happening I have spent the rest of our married four years trying to get back what I let slide. I am very aware of the holes in my spirituality and what I am lacking in my devotion. Therefore, it truly is unfair for me to judge someones faithfulness.

I've been trying to understand why I am so bothered by their behavior. I don't know what their background was growing up--did their parents teach them through their examples that going to their meetings weren't important? Why do I feel differently than them? In my family we went to church every Sunday unless we were really sick. All my friends went to church. When I left and went to college, my roommates and I all went to church every Sunday. We went to firesides, attended the temple together, sometimes went to institute together, and carried out our callings faithfully. I had visiting teachers that were spectacular.

I can look back at all these influences and see how they shaped my current beliefs. Would I be as devoted to trying to be a good visiting teacher if I had crappy ones in college? If my roommates didn't think church attendance was important would I have gone by myself every week? If my parents didn't read scriptures to us and talk to us about religion consistently would I read my scriptures or talk to my children about Jesus Christ. Thankfully, don't have to answer that question. I did have good parents, roommates, friends, visiting teachers, bishops, etc.

It is deeply ingrained in me that you do what you should do even if it is hard. I admit that last week my boys were sick and I stayed home with them and it was such a relief. Even taking care of sick babies was more peaceful for me than going to church and fighting with them in Sacrament. But I KNOW that church is where we need to be. I know that my boys need to see Mike and I attend our meetings. They need to know that sometimes they get a babysitter because their mom and dad are going to Stake meetings. They need to catch us praying and reading our scriptures. They need to learn that even if I don't love all the time I miss with Mike because of his church callings that I support him the best I can. I want them to learn that I pray about my callings and I expect to receive inspiration to know how to serve better.

I feel so strongly about the example we give our children. Our primary in this ward is struggling so much right now because there aren't enough teachers in our ward that are devoted to their callings and willing to show up with a lesson prepared. Our children aren't getting taught. What can we expect from our children if we don't teach them? What can we expect to see them doing on Sundays if we don't attend our meetings? In our Primary we have only three families that have an active mother and father and only two of those families actually attend ALL their meetings. What will happen to all the children in my Primary? I am always surprised when they don't know the basic stories of Ammon cutting the arms, or Nephi building the boat. But then I remember that these kids aren't taught at home and then come to church and their teachers don't teach them either. It is very discouraging for me.

Anyway, this experience has strengthened my testimony. It has helped me question my own devotion and think of the areas that I need to be better at. It has also renewed my gratitude to my Heavenly Father. How thankful I am that I had parents that went to church every week! I am grateful that I caught my dad reading scriptures every night and caught them both on their knees at night. I am grateful for good friends that had the same beliefs as me. I am especially grateful for my roommates who helped me be faithful even when I had no parents around to tell me what to do. What great examples I have had! And most importantly, I'm thankful for a husband that takes his faith so seriously. I grateful for the chance I have to renew my devotion and become a better person and a better example for my children.