Unwritten Rules

I have been thinking a lot about the family rules that each family has. In one of my classes at BYU we talked about how each family has both "written" rules and "unwritten" rules. Written rules are pretty easy to identify. Examples of written rules are curfew is at 12:00; dinner is at 6:00; girls in our family wear one-piece swimming suits, etc. These are things that you all know and talk about. Will knows that when he is naughty he will sit on the naughty chair.

Unwritten rules are more difficult. It is often hard to separate them from the written rules. They are things that usually aren't talked about but everyone knows are a part of your family. So, examples of those are, What dad says is final; Don’t talk to mom when she is mad; Say whatever you think and feel as long as it's not negative; Don’t cry. Some of these rules are also customs and traditions. They are just things that are passed on and have happened since you can remember. In my house at Christmas we eat pizza for dinner. That isn't something my parents made as a rule in our house but one Christmas mom decided to make pizza because that is what we all wanted for dinner. From then on, we have always had pizza. My husband's family had an unwritten rule of always saying, "Thank you mom, that was great" after dinner even in they didn't like it.

These unwritten rules can be positive or negative. I have been thinking about the effect these rules have on us. Experiences in our lives contribute to these rules. And example in my husbands life is that growing up everyone was afraid to be around his mom when she was angry. Now that Mike and I are married, that unwritten rule in his family transferred to our marriage. When I am angry Mike will go and hide from me. That doesn't work for me. It has taken time and effort for both of us to break this cycle. He has had to trust that I won't yell at him when I am angry and I have had to prove to him that I will be kind to him even though I am angry.

Also with these rules come specific roles that we take on. The unwritten rule is that everyone has a role in the family and no one is to change their role. There may be "The Rebel" or "The Peacemaker." The problem comes when someone tries to break out of that role. For instance, take the sister that can't keep a job. When she gets a new job the first thing everyone thinks is, "She won't keep that job very long." Without even having a chance to prove she can keep the job it is assumed she can't. Or how about the boy that is a straight A student at school. They might feel pressured or guilty if they get an A- or a B. The child that is always rescued from problems continues to be rescued because they know someone will rescue them. The roles become a cycle. The family perpetuates the role so the person continues to do what they were doing before.

Not all roles have negative aspects about them. When my brother Ammon was born my parents were gone all the time. I was the oldest girl at home so I took on the role of stand-in mom. I made meals, watched the kids, cleaned, etc. That role transferred over even when I left home for college. Today my sisters still call or email asking for advice or a listening ear for their problems. This wasn't always a positive role for me to take on though. There came a time in college where I felt overwhelmed and felt I was taking on too much so that I couldn't focus on my own life and problems. I had to step back and re-evaluate that role. I had to recognize that my mom was home again (except she was working now) and that I wasn't needed to be the mom anymore. I could still listen and give support but I didn't have to be the one to solve all the problems.

The point is that these roles are meant to keep order and to keep the family together. Unfortunately, at the same time it compartmentalizes people so that they can't expand and be better. If everyone is happy with his/her role then there isn't a problem but families need to be able to recognize this is happening and evaluate if they are working for their family and if not, allow each person to define themselves.