Enough with the guilt already

I have recently read a few different mommy blogs. You know the ones? They are all about mommy things. But more than that, they are all about how much better they are as a mom because they do certain things that most moms don't do in today's society. These things include using cloth diapers, having an unassisted childbirth, and baby wearing. They nix immunizations and circumcision is absolutely a sin. They co-sleep and breastfeeding is the only possible option for a healthy baby and a perfect mom. I just want to address some of these issues. I haven't done a ton of research on these but I have done some. On top of that I have had two healthy boys (not very many but experience none the less).

First thing is about the cloth diapers. I wanted to see why everyone was all interested in cloth diapers. My mom used cloth diapers until maybe her second to last baby (so the 10th). I remember having to help her fold them, wash them, and pin them with those monster pins. The kid would pee and you have to take the plastic covering off and then take the dripping wet diaper off. Then of course you have to dump the poop in the toilet, not to mention wash them. Now, that was a long time ago. Now the diapers are much more sophisticated. They are these cute little plastic diapers with mesh material inside and little snaps on the outside. I have a friend that uses them and I have to say that in observing her it seems to me that while not quite as messy it is still messy. She has a little bag she puts the dirty ones in when she is not at home and then has cloth wipes that she sprays and then puts those in the bag. So, what are the advantages? On the web it says that they are environmentally friendly, cheaper, and contribute to less rashes. They also say something crazy like regular diapers contribute to male sterilization because they are hotter than cloth diapers. I just have to say that I have used regular diapers for two years and my boys hardly ever get rashes. One of the arguments is that when you have a cloth diaper you can tell it is wet faster and therefore change it more often, thus cutting down on the rashes. The solution to this would be just to change your kid's diaper. I don't know many moms that let their kids run around with a dirty diaper very long. So, that argument doesn't hold up very well to me. The main good thing in my mind is that they are cheaper. This still isn't a good enough reason for me to use them.

Unassisted childbirth is all about having a natural birth and letting your body do what it was designed to do. It is this euphoric experience. It is my opinion that having a baby is euphoric no matter how you have it. I guess my problem with UC is that while a woman can educate herself about the birthing process she most likely doesn't have a medical degree that specializes in handling problems that can go wrong during the birth. What happens when something goes wrong? I would feel really guilty if something went very wrong and because I wanted to have a "natural" experience, my child or myself was hurt in the process. It is true that thousands of babies were born in the olden days without assistance. I would also say that thousands of babies died for this reason too. My only other thought on this is that many of these blogs post pictures of their births, the whole process with their naked bodies on display for the world to see. The idea being that it is a beautiful process and experience. It is a sacred process. While to them, posting these pictures allows others to see into the sacred experience, my opinion is that it takes away from the sacredness of it.

The argument about circumcision is that babies weren't born circumcised and that when you circumcise a boy you are taking away the most sensitive parts of the p*n*s and therefore, taking away the maximum pleasure they can have in s*x. I guess my thought is, if they haven't experienced it, they don't really know what they are missing do they? I have heard that medically it is smarter to circumcise your boy. Again, I haven't done a ton of research on this one but I don't see what the big deal is.

Breastfeeding. Oh man, I could write a lot about this one but I will try to be brief. First, I agree it is the best thing for your baby. I have no argument for that. I have had both experiences--bottle and breastfeeding. My bottle fed boy is much healthier than my breastfed baby. I am just as connected to him as I am to my breastfed baby. There are plenty of women that decide not to breastfeed their babies because it is inconvenient or they just don't want to. There are others however, that struggle with it because they maybe don't produce enough milk, they take a medicine that is unsafe for the baby, etc. It is my experience that you can be as connected to your child as you want. You can still make bottle feeding a rewarding and bonding time. Your child can still be happy and smart. As a side note, what about being appropriate? You can still breastfeed and not have to make the rest of the world uncomfortable because you whip out your breast to feed your child. Sometimes it is just inappropriate to breastfeed your child in public without covering yourself or taking the people around you into consideration.

Co-sleeping I have no problem with except that I don't like it. It doesn't work for me and I am selfish about my sleep. My first child had colic and he didn't nap during the day so when he finally slept at night I wanted to sleep at night! I didn't want to be woken up by all his little noises. I wanted to have my time with my husband without a baby attached to me 24/7. I didn't have to worry about having a 11 month old wake me up twenty times a night to eat because I had become the human pacifier. I also didn't have to worry about getting my toddler in his own bed because he never was in my bed. Some people might call that selfish. I call it smart.

In my classes at BYU we discussed the attachment theory. It is just the tie that a person forms with another person. In some experiments done on children a mother and child are in a room with toys. A stranger comes in, the mother leaves the room, the child protests. The stranger leaves the room, the mother comes back in and comforts the child and then goes back out. A stranger comes in and tries to comfort the child but is unsuccessful. The mother comes back in and comforts the child and the child then runs off to play with the toys. So, from the experiment you see that the child is attached to the mother and as long as she is in the room she feels safe enough to go play on her own. Mothers that baby wear (use slings or backpacks or other similar things) believe that if you don't use these things your child won't have a healthy attachment to you. Again, I say that your child will be as attached to you as you want them to be. I'm not against baby wearing. It proved to be affective many times with my boys. But I do think it is wrong to say that if you don't "wear" your baby they won't be attached to you.

When it comes down to it, I don't really think any of the above things are wrong. I personally think some of them are crazy but don't really see any of them as being wrong. My issue with these type of posts on mommy blogs is the amount of judgment that is passed with the intention to make someone feel bad for their decision to mother a different way. To say that you shouldn't judge is wrong. Everyone has to judge to know if it is something that is right or wrong. Or something that works for them. What I do think is wrong is for someone to say that because they mother a certain way they are superior to someone else. I have lots of friends that mother differently than I do. They have healthy, happy babies. Just because someone doesn't agree with the way you mother your child doesn't make them a bad mother. Being a mother is difficult and each women needs to make decisions about parenting based on what helps them be the best mother they can be. If someone has a hard time breastfeeding and is so stressed out and depressed trying to figure it out that she can't put all her energy into caring for her baby, is she a bad mom for deciding to bottle feed so she can give her child the attention he needs? I don't think so. What I feel from some of these mothers is that they believe if you don't mother the way they do you are abusing your child. There is enough guilt that goes along with being a mother and a woman. Stop adding to someones guilt by making them feel they aren't as good a mother as you.