Dating

Mike has to give a talk/discussion with the youth tomorrow on dating. We've been talking about it together and it is interesting to discover the different opinions we both have. Mike asked me what the difference between hanging out with a bunch of kids and going on a group date. The difference in my mind is that on a group date you have a date. You all go together, do the same activity, etc., but you have a date that pays for you, picks you up and all that good stuff.



Another question about dating: Why should you group date rather than have a steady boyfriend or girlfriend? I like to think about this in terms of food (of course, because everything in my life revolves around food). If you have never tried Chinese food it is better to go to a buffet where you can try lots of different kinds rather than go to one Chinese restaurant and order one thing 15 different times. Someone might say, "But buffets are never as good as the real food. So wouldn't you want to go to the real Chinese restaurant?" Yes, but by going to the buffet you can get a general idea of the kind of Chinese foods you like and then take a trip to the Chinese restaurant and order that specific thing. You can then revel in the delicious flavors of that plate of food rather than take a bite and ask yourself, "Do I like this?"



I had really good dating experiences. I didn't have a steady boyfriend until I was 21 but I had gone on lots of dates up until that point. By the time I had to make a decision to actually find my spouse I knew exactly what I was looking for.



Something I think that is essential to know about before you start steady dating someone is about intimacy. I don't mean you have to know about it from experience. I believe that before you start involving yourself in a physical relationship you need to know what things are appropriate. That seems obvious to me but some people are really naive about those things and when it starts happening they don't know how far is too far or what things are ok. I remember a friend that held her boyfriend's hand for the first time and thought maybe she had to talk to her bishop because she was aroused by it. She needed to understand that those feelings are ok to have and that some intimacy before marriage is good. Of course it is also important to know what things are not ok so that when in the situation you don't have to make the decision as to whether what is happening is good or bad.

Now that I am married dating takes on a new meaning. I think continued dating after marriage is so important--without children! When Mike and I go on dates without the boys we are excited to come back and see them. We feel our relationship has been renewed and we continue to develop a relationship outside of our roles as partners in parenting. I know of a man who, when asked how he would describe his relationship with his wife said, "We are compatible." That is good and also a little sad. I don't want that to be the first thing that comes to Mike's mind when he describes our relationship (although, I think I am more compatible with Mike than any other guy I ever dated). I have always thought it is sad when you find a couple who's kids have moved out and the couple has no idea what to do with each other. Their entire relationship has been based on their roles as parents rather than their role as a spouse. Mike and I go in spurts where we are really good at going on dates and then don't go for a long time (mainly because it's expensive to get a babysitter!).

Hmmm. Maybe I'll write a post about my experience dating Mike before we got married. That would be fun for me to remember but I doubt it would be as interesting to anyone else. Maybe I'll do it anyway. We'll see. I'll keep you posted (no pun intended).